Today is our 10th Anniversary. Not wedding Anniversary but of when we first got together. We’ve always thought that was more important to celebrate as it took us so long to get together in the first place. Then we went and got married three times (to each other), it’s a long story but it was a practicality thing rather than we loved each other so much we just kept doing it…until the third time. On the third time it was all one great big beautiful love in.
Anyway, so today is the anniversary of when I said the very romantic phrase “Does this mean we’re going out then”. I’ve got her a silly card with a Narwhal on it because she loves them. She very affectionately calls them ‘Unicorns of the sea’. We don’t do presents anymore, we just have a card giving competition. Pretty much everything in our life is a competition, not because of me I might add, it’s all her. I do tend to win the card competition though, mostly because I buy online in advance and spend ages trying to find something absolutely perfect for her. She usually goes to shop the day before when I remind her of the date, and then can’t find a good enough card so gets one that she can elaborate on with a Sharpie. To be fair, she usually racks up some creativity points this way so I can’t complain. Although on Friday she did ask me for the money to go and buy my card so she’s already a few points behind this year…
So tonight looks likes it’s going to be super romantic already. When we finish work we will be picking up one of the cats from the vets as he’s having his nose flushed today. Yes that’s right, flushed. We call Charlie the sniffer cat as he has a tendency to sniff anything new that comes into the house. For this reason, today will be the second time he’s been to the vets to have his nose flushed. He has also poisoned himself sniffing stuff before (another long story). So tonight will be all about fussing over Charlie after his traumatic day away from his mummies. At that stage it will be too late to go for dinner so it’ll be pizza I reckon. The thing is, I can’t think of anything I’d rather do. It probably does sound quite boring but mostly in life, all I want to do now is snuggle up with her and our little furry family and watch Law and Order. This year things are a little bit different of course, because this year we’re thinking about next year and how things could change and how we hope they’ll change. We’re so happy but there’s always room for more happiness I guess.
For tonight though, it’s all about her, and Charlie of course, and I’m going to absorb every second of it, because I’m so bloody lucky.
When the wife leaves me home alone, my mind wanders into somewhere dark. A deep void that can apparently only be filled with Dance Moms and several bars of Lindt (I’m a classy over eater). It makes it worse that the only time she leaves me at home is to go do something sporty. So whilst she’s out there being one of those irritating fit people, I’m at home crying because I’m gaining weight, whilst eating chocolate and watching some God-awful parenting horror show. OK, I might be hormonal…
Although Dance Moms is quite awful, it does provide relief from worrying about my ovulation. It’s not something I ever thought I’d be obsessing about during my lifetime but apparently it’s not happening at the moment and that presents a slight issue in the baby making department. I’ve got to do a few more tests to rule out some stuff and have my bloods retested on different dates to try to find out if it’s happening. It will be my third test this month. The worst thing is not knowing if it’s normal. From everything I’ve read it doesn’t seem to be, although my Doctor is very reassuring. I guess it’s just hard feeling powerless, and of course all the worst case scenarios fly through your head.
The wife is not worried. She’s cucumber cool, unflappable. She is in every situation. So she listens to my neurotic outbursts and the concocted future scenarios and then says something ridiculously simple and comforting. Really it’s no wonder that when I’m left without her for a few hours my mind starts to wander again and the negative notions wheedle their way in. It’s at times like these that I’m so thankful I have her and that she’s nothing like me. I would never marry me, I can’t think of anything worse. Actually, I’m sure marrying a Dance Mom would be worse but I’d come a close second.
I think once this cycle is over and I have another test done I’ll feel a little better, at least a little more in control and a little less emotionally high maintenance! So I’m gonna pull this blanket over me now and focus on nothing but the ‘Fire and Ice Elite Dance Competition’, (Yes it’s an actual thing). I’ve just realised that it’s 22:30 so she’ll be home soon to impart her daily dose of pragmatism and make a cup of tea to go with my chocolate. Everything’s going to be OK, for tonight at least.
“If the plan doesn’t work, change the plan not the goal”
It makes me cringe when people share motivational quotes on social media. Today however, somebody shared this one and it’s working for me. This may be because today I’m worried about my baby making abilities. And I suppose I should be really because there’s a whole heap of odds against me. To clarify:
- I’m a woman married to a woman and neither of us possess sperm.
- I’m 31 and I hear that’s not prime baby making time.
- The ovulation strips I’m using don’t believe I’m ovulating.
- I don’t have the money to pay for several rounds of artificial insemination
- I feel like one of my Fallopian tubes is faulty (Maybe this one is a little irrational).
So there’s a few things to overcome here.
At the moment I’m having my initial blood work done and next week I should have all the results. I’m worried that there’s going to be something wrong with me and honestly can’t even imagine a scenario where the Doctor says ‘everything is fine and you can merrily go on your way to the fertility clinic’. I don’t think I’m being negative, I think I might just want it so much that I can’t imagine being that lucky. It’s funny because both of us went for so long being completely OK with the idea not having kids. Now 3 months after making the decision, we can’t see a future without kids in it.
So expanding our family is the goal right now (we include the cats in our current family make-up). So I’m visualizing, because apparently visualizing makes your eggs more eager or something. I’m focusing on happy thoughts with squinty eyes, (because this is serious business). My ovaries are thoroughly ecstatic at the thought of being useful at last and I’m praying that the ovulation strips are just a rip off. I’m looking around at all the other people I know in their late 30’s having kids and thinking, WHATEVER! about the money, that’s what credit cards are for after all…sperm shopping. And if insemination doesn’t work, well we’ll just change the plan. There are lots of things they can do these days by the good grace of science. So I’m going to stay positive and focused on the goal whilst also acknowledging that things might not go as easily or as well as I want them to and we’ll cross that Fallopian bridge when we come to it. I WILL overcome the odds!
You’re getting another cat? This was the first reaction to us telling our friend we had some news. Come to think of it, I don’t think it was exclaimed with joy either. I mean what would be so wrong with us getting a 5th cat? OK, so I know it’d be a little bit much but they just keep asking us to take them and 2 is the same as 1, and 3 is the same as 2, and 5 is…well it’s not even like we’re getting a 5th cat, we’re going to try to have a baby which is I’m told nothing like having a cat.
Our newest addition Henry is the youngest cat we’ve had. We adopted him at 7 months old and compared to our 3 old boys, he’s a whole handful of crazy. We call him Miley because he comes in like a wrecking ball. Henry has broken one of everything in our house and continues to break things on a daily basis. We now have a beautiful collection of glued ornaments. But of course we we’re the stupid ones to think we could have nice things AND a kitten. You cannot have both. Furthermore, you cannot have a full night’s sleep or blemish free arms. And so we think our little Henry is a fair indication of how we’ll cope as parents. I think it’s pertinent at this point to mention that we may have to give Henry back.
Now obviously we’re not giving him back because he breaks things. Henry just isn’t getting on too well with the old boys. Don’t worry about Henry though, he’s going to go to Cat Heaven. We’re not having him put to sleep he’s just going to live at a very nice sanctuary for cats with special needs (That’s another story). The point is anyway, we really don’t know a lot about babies but we presume it’s just another kind of wrecking ball. We know that parents out there (actual parents, not cat parents) will say ‘How can you possibly compare having a baby to a cat you fools?’ But to those people we say, ‘Have you ever had 4 indoor cats?’
We can’t get away from them. Oh yeah, we can go to work, but when we come home they’ll be there, waiting for us. Crying immediately as we walk in the door, demanding to be fed their ridiculously expensive food and fighting over each other for attention. And then it’s bedtime (they decide what time this is). And so the scratching and what can only be described as wailing begins and doesn’t end until we go to the stairs. Then we arrive at the bed and of course there’s no room in there for us. No, the cat’s already made his space maximizing nest in the pillows. So we lie, shaping our bodies around the cat so that he’s comfortable and we absolutely do not dare to move because we know. We know that the relentless wailing will begin once again and that one cat will wake the other cat and then all we can do is pretend to be asleep, in the hope that the other one of us will give in and pay it attention.
So no, we are not underestimating this baby business. We fully understand it will be more difficult than having 4 indoor cats but we do feel that having our boys has taught us some pretty good parenting skills. They’ve taught us patience, resilience, selflessness and the ability to love unconditionally. And no matter how irritating our child is, I am now well-practiced at pretending to be asleep.